Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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