at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
