Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
