Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
he fucked my hip out of place.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
