I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
