I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
