I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
