My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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