I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
