I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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