wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
