The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
