Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
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