I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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