my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
