Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
And then my night got REAL pukey
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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