I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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