paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
