haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
