I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I had to cum in my sink.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
