True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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