just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
