Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
