remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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