i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
