He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
