i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
