Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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