i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i love accidental penises.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
