I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
