...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
