Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
