she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
This beer is not sobering me up at all
She bit a glass in half.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
