I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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