I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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