it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
it's great music for shaving your balls
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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