So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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