i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
