Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
