I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
