Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
