Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
