the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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