My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
