you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
