Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
