I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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