if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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