He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
