After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
