how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Sorry about my life...
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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