update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
