my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
